I was sitting in the wide soft chair trying to think of the words to explain just how I was feeling. My chest was tight. I could feel a huge lump in my throat which I couldn’t quite swallow and I could feel my eyes filling up with tears. “I’m not sure what’s wrong. I still live at home. I’m not sure about my job or if it’s leading anywhere. I feel like everyone is pressuring me about marriage. My friends are all so busy now, I never see them. My family just doesn’t understand what I am going through or why I am upset. I feel like I have so much I want to do, but I feel like I am running out of time. I feel like I am just wasting my life”.
Statement after statement flew out of my mouth. My psychologist was looking at me with a puzzled expression, but for some reason I felt the need to keep talking. I felt the need to explain to him why I was close to tears. “I feel crazy” I blurted out. “I don’t know why I feel this way, I just don’t feel happy, but I’m not sure why. What’s wrong with me?”
From the outside my life looked perfect. I was turning 25, and already I had a fabulous boyfriend, wonderful family and friends and a great job. But for some reason it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t help but focus on the things in my life that I didn’t have or things that I hadn’t done yet and was worried I was never going to do.
But I wasn’t crazy. I was just experiencing a quarterlife crisis.
This time experienced by many 20-somethings is what is now referred to as a ‘quarterlife crisis’. It is a time of complete uncertainty regarding one’s life ranging from relationships, family, career and job status, to what’s next and where to from here.
Many people describe it as feeling like you are not happy with any aspect of your life and you’re not quite sure why that is all of a sudden. Others describe it as feeling like you are running out of time, you are not quite sure what you want to accomplish in life or what direction you should be taking. And some describe it as feeling like you haven’t accomplished anything. You haven’t moved out of home, are not financially independent and are not in a serious relationship and do not know what you want out of your career.
The feelings associated with the QLC were described in 2001 when Abby Wilner and Alexandra Robbins co-wrote Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties. They say the constant theme is that people don’t feel like they have accomplished anything of importance, they are not sure if they ever will and they are simply not sure where their life is heading.
Nat, 24, like many young adults is experiencing this very unsettling feeling. “Knowing that the age of 25 is approaching me, I have had a lot of moments where I’ve thought that I don’t know where life is heading and I get a bit upset”.
“I guess you hit the age of 25 and society says you should have already done a few things in life. Some people are getting married, some are in a job that is their chosen career path after completing Uni and others are buying their first home. At the moment I feel like I’m at a little bit of a stand still”.
Nat has recently moved back home after living with a friend for the past 2 ½ years for financial reasons. “If someone had told me that at the age of 25 I would be living back at home and with no money, I would have told them they were crazy and that would never happen. I saw myself at 25 a lot different than what I am now. At the moment I live on a budget, which doesn’t allow me to have new clothes, go out, or have dinner with friends as often as I would like to”.
According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics the proportion of young people aged 20 to 29 living with their parents increased from 20.7 to 29.9 per cent over the last decade. Many of those surveyed had moved out of home only to return due to financial pressures.
People within Nat’s immediate friendship group are changing industries and careers. This has prompted Nat to re-evaluate her current position as a Legal Secretary at a small family owned law firm. “I started looking through jobs in my industry and I felt that I was being underpaid for what I was doing. I also thought about the fact that my boss was retiring in a couple of years and should probably start seeing what was out there”. There are no opportunities for Nat to progress at her current firm due its size and when her boss retires in two years she will close the firm.
David Stickells a qualified clinical psychologist has offered career assessments over the last 15 years. The programs are to help people “find their career direction”. “A lot of young adults change their career. They get into a career and decide that’s not what they want to do. They might even have finished a qualification and decide to change directions all together,” David said.
The average number of jobs held by a person in their 20’s has increased to eight over the last decade, as reported by the Australian Bureau of Statistics.
Nat is concerned that she is still not in a relationship. “I started to think about the fact that I haven’t been in a relationship before and I’m almost 25. My sister has been married for two years.” Many of Nat’s friends are in long term relationships and some are getting engaged and married. On recently attending a friends engagement party Nat described the event as both “confronting” and “definitely an eye opener”. “I thought I would at least be in a long term relationship by now. I also don’t think it helps that my sister and I are on very different paths in life. She is approaching her two year wedding anniversary at the age of twenty three”.
The Australian Bureau of Statistics reports that the age at which people marry for the first time has increased, from 27.8 years for men and 25.4 years for women in 1998 to 29.6 and 27.6 years respectively in 2007. This has been attributed to career aspirations taking priority over developing relationships, the desire to travel and also the changing times socially.
“I think the real pressure comes from your parents and their influence. I have a client that has just bought his first investment property at the age of 22. His whole family believes in property investments and they have several themselves”. “I think there is also a lot of pressure from school. You see how much importance people place on owning a home, marriage and a career, rather than travelling overseas,” David said.
Nat has come to the conclusion that everyone’s life paths are varied. “I think we are all completely different. I think that society has milestones that we feel we are supposed to have lived up to but really I think it’s important to do what you want to do and live how you want to live”.
“I think approaching 25 really makes you re-evaluate things, it can be a crisis or an awakening”. “I think for me it has definitely been an awakening.” So is this stage really a crisis or a trigger to help young adults put their goals and life direction into perspective, so as to not hit the age of forty and experience the very real mid life crisis.
There are thousands of websites, books and blogs now available to help young adults navigate through the quarterlife crisis.
After reading through the comments of other people experiencing a quarterlife crisis on one of the many blogs, I found that I wasn’t alone. Knowing that there were other people as confused and overwhelmed as I was gave me a huge sense of comfort.
I decided that my quarterlife crisis was my wake up call. It was what I needed to finally take control of my life and the direction it was heading. I was determined to no longer put off doing things that I really wanted to accomplish. I started saving for a house, focusing on my career and I also enrolled in a Graduate Certificate of Arts (Media and Communications) at Swinburne University. I haven’t looked back since.
At the time I felt that I was going through a crisis, but I am so glad that I did. I truly believe it was the little push I needed to finally take control of my life.
By Casey Hickey